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A Forest Of Stars: Opportunistic thieves of spring
02/09/10 || Lord K Philipson
First off, let me hand out a huge “fuck you” to the idiot who decided to send this fucken thing to me. Why? Becoz:
1: It came in a black fucken paper thing with no info attached. Oh, the mystery…
2: The actual CD had nothing written on it. Oh, the suspense…
3: There was no fucken way to see a band name or album title fucken
anywhere in the booklet that came along with this shit. Oh, the drama…
It’s not the first time this happens when people send us their stuff… Why the FUCK would anyone wanna work shit like this for? My first reaction was to fucken throw this crap in the trash and tell the band to go fuck themselves if they ever contacted me and asked if I got their album. Then I remembered…
THE INTERNETZ!!!
Googling song titles and shit worked to my advantage. Google really is my friend. And this is where I decided I would take care of this band myself since I had time for it, instead of handing it out to someone else on staff… It just sucked me into the endless forests of dreaming elves and lizards of death… It was all so mysterious… So… special… the moniker… the album title… the repulsive pretentiousness throughout the booklet… You should see the damn booklet, for real – it’s a guarantee to make you vomit. Absolutely fantastic. I can’t pass on a bunch of fucktards like these guys/gals/mongoloids. They are making my job too fucken easy.
They are called… A Forest Of Stars.
Guys, help me out here. A Forest Of Stars? I remember when bands came out, naming themselves Cock Cutter, Semen Summoning, Anal Cunt, Metallica, Rogga Johansson, Ass Rape and the likes… Great names for great bands. But this? A fucken forest of stars?! I mean, come ON! You think that is pretentious? What about the muthafucken album title, huh? “Opportunistic thieves of spring”?!? Thank fuck those thieves weren’t all pessimistic and shit, who knows how the seasons would have fared then…
Have I mentioned that these jackoff’s come across as pretentious? Well, they also decided on using a pretentious and hard-to-read font in the booklet so reading it is something I’ll leave for another lifetime, or rather – for never.
And the tunes? Yeah… that obstacle needs to be conquered as well. Songs ranging from 8:01 (the shortest one) to 16:28 (the longest one), with the rest clocking in between 11 and 14 minutes… Wow. We all know there are only 2 bands who can write long songs and make it interesting. The first one is naturally The Project Hate MCMXCIX, and the other is… not A Forest Of Stars. This shit is dragging on and dragging on until I fall off my chair, asleep, or perhaps half-dead. Want the recipe as for how to conduct something like this? Here you go:
Shitty vocals , shitty vocal effects, shitty keyboard sounds, shitty arrangements, shitty production, shitty drumsound and anything else completely shitty that you can come up with. Insert “forests” and “stars” into titles and lyrics and you are good to go. It’s a recipe guaranteed to make the listener cry, faint, vomit and beg for forgiveness for existing – all for the wrong reasons. As if that wasn’t enough, they try to shock you by, for example, inserting something supposed to be a blastbeat in the beginning of “Raven’s Eye View”. Safe to say, it’s adding insult to injury. But no, we are not done yet… Do not forget to look at the band member’s names before you leave and forget all about this band, ok?
Let me round this crap off then… Sure, it’s somewhat original and so forth… It’s also theatrical in a sense, I suppose. And it’s also something they never should have sent to Global Domination. It’s a wonder how one can spend so many words on a disaster like this. Forgive me.
Conclusion: I guess they want to play some kind of doom metal with some atmospheric too-long worthless sections of instrumental crap. I guess I just want them to fuck off.
- Information
- Released: 2010
- Label: Transcendental Creations
- Website: A Forest Of Stars MySpace
- Band
- Mister Curse: vocals, doggrel verse
- Katheryne, Queen of the Ghosts (Kati Stone): violin, flute, cocals
- Mr T.S. Kettleburner: port-sabotaged guitars, bass, vocals
- The Gentleman: electrical keyboards, pianoforte, percussion
- Mr John “The Resurrectionist” Bishop: drums, percussion
- Tracklist
- 01. Sorrow’s Impetus
- 02. Raven’s Eye View
- 03. Summertide’s Approach
- 04. Thunder’s Cannonade
- 05. Starfire’s Memory
- 06. Delay’s Progression
